I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
There are leaves in my underwear?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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