i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
