Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
