"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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