just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
i need some magic done to my vagina
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
