everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
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