my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
