it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
