you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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