What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
