through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
