I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
