he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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