I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
