Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
