The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
