the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
