i think my tv is drunk
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
