There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
