Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I'm at about main and main street
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
