there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
