do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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