dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
