I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
