my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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