Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
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