I think I won the penis lottery.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
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