Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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