the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
