yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
