shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
