put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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