Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
