I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
