just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
