Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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