You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
