The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
