I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
