how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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