I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
