how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
