Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
