There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
