In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
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