omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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