thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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