I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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