Can Purell be used as lube?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Randomize
