he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
