I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
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