my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
