I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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